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Being Her Hero
Living the Fairy Tale
White picket fence, 9-5 job, 2.5 kids, house in a
safe neighborhood
safe neighborhood
These make up the American dream, the things that are supposed to satisfy us and tell us that we have lived a good life. But are they really? Why do marriages split up that have the right house, car, job, and number of kids? Why do couples find they don’t have what it takes to have a successful marriage?
We men want to be good at what we do. It’s part of our nature. As men, we love to compete, especially to win. We compete in sports, in our job, to get the woman we desire. Some things we only need to win once. When we have them, the challenge is over; we have that achievement for life (like a degree). But there are some things that we cannot win just once. One of those things is our wife’s love. At the altar, she promised that she would love you for better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health. She made a vow to love you that cannot even be revoked by death. This commitment is serious, and she meant it. However, though you can and ought to trust her to fulfill this vow, do not take it for granted. Instead, make showing love for your wife a lifetime challenge, lived out on a day by day basis. Your wife is a treasure to be sought for, discovered and rejoiced in over and over again. You see, you made this vow of unconditional life-long love, too.
What does it mean to love your wife for a lifetime? Saint Paul tells us that it means loving her as Christ loves the Church. Christ imaged love by allowing himself to be abandoned, beaten bloody, mocked, spit upon, stripped naked, and killed, all for love of his bride, the Church. Following our Savior’s example, Christian marriage requires sacrifice daily. This does not seem like a recipe for winning much of anything. It’s certainly not the way the world measures success. However, if we compare a marriage based on worldly success with a marriage based on Godly standards, the world’s marriages simply do not measure up. The rewards for living sacrificially are great.
Instead of slowly losing our wives to distance and selfishness, we rediscover them and come to know them more intimately than we thought possible. Instead of our marriages falling apart and ending in divorce, we are given supernatural strength and endurance to weather the very worst of times. Instead of giving our children the toys and vacations that mass media tells us they need, we are able to give them what they really need, a father’s love and guidance. We make our lives an example of how to live right. In the end, we, the husbands and fathers, are the ones who benefit the most. By modeling our lives on Christ’s, we become stronger, greater men than we knew we could be. We make a difference in people’s lives and in the world. We are role models for our children, for our wives, and for others. We become heroes.
We men want to be good at what we do. It’s part of our nature. As men, we love to compete, especially to win. We compete in sports, in our job, to get the woman we desire. Some things we only need to win once. When we have them, the challenge is over; we have that achievement for life (like a degree). But there are some things that we cannot win just once. One of those things is our wife’s love. At the altar, she promised that she would love you for better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health. She made a vow to love you that cannot even be revoked by death. This commitment is serious, and she meant it. However, though you can and ought to trust her to fulfill this vow, do not take it for granted. Instead, make showing love for your wife a lifetime challenge, lived out on a day by day basis. Your wife is a treasure to be sought for, discovered and rejoiced in over and over again. You see, you made this vow of unconditional life-long love, too.
What does it mean to love your wife for a lifetime? Saint Paul tells us that it means loving her as Christ loves the Church. Christ imaged love by allowing himself to be abandoned, beaten bloody, mocked, spit upon, stripped naked, and killed, all for love of his bride, the Church. Following our Savior’s example, Christian marriage requires sacrifice daily. This does not seem like a recipe for winning much of anything. It’s certainly not the way the world measures success. However, if we compare a marriage based on worldly success with a marriage based on Godly standards, the world’s marriages simply do not measure up. The rewards for living sacrificially are great.
Instead of slowly losing our wives to distance and selfishness, we rediscover them and come to know them more intimately than we thought possible. Instead of our marriages falling apart and ending in divorce, we are given supernatural strength and endurance to weather the very worst of times. Instead of giving our children the toys and vacations that mass media tells us they need, we are able to give them what they really need, a father’s love and guidance. We make our lives an example of how to live right. In the end, we, the husbands and fathers, are the ones who benefit the most. By modeling our lives on Christ’s, we become stronger, greater men than we knew we could be. We make a difference in people’s lives and in the world. We are role models for our children, for our wives, and for others. We become heroes.
“A healthy marriage is like a strong threefold cord. It has three indispensable bonds: physical, spiritual, and emotional. Men generally focus on the physical bond, while women typically concentrate on the emotional. The emotional bond is nourished and strengthened by communication. For wives, verbal communication is one of the most significant ways husbands can show their love. At the same time, many husbands are nearly oblivious to the verbal needs of their wives. A wife will never feel truly fulfilled in marriage if her husband does not strengthen the emotional bond by communicating frequently. In stark contrast, a husband from outer space says to his wife, ‘I told you twenty years ago that I love you, and if I ever change my mind, I’ll let you know!’” —Stephen Wood, Christian Fatherhood, p. 6
Some Good Advice:
What does it take to really live happily ever after?
A couple I know very well has been married for almost thirty-five years, but their marriage is far from perfect. The wife carries old scars caused by times early in their relationship when her husband made awful decisions. A part of her heart still believes that, even though he has grown, her husband will not choose what is best for her. She cannot fully trust him, even after all these years. They are working through their issues, but healing takes time.
Their story is not uncommon. Many, many women struggle to trust their husbands, and many husbands struggle to prove themselves trustworthy.
Women today have learned not to trust men. Some have seen their fathers abandon their mothers, either physically or emotionally. Most women have had their hearts broken by at least one man, if not many, before they met their husband. Men are seen as oppressors who are given better jobs, more freedom, and more sexual license. We have learned to be distant from men, wary of cultivating emotional intimacy with them. Unless we change our hearts, this distrust will carry over into our marriages. We must each learn to trust our husband, or our love for him will be stunted.
Their story is not uncommon. Many, many women struggle to trust their husbands, and many husbands struggle to prove themselves trustworthy.
Women today have learned not to trust men. Some have seen their fathers abandon their mothers, either physically or emotionally. Most women have had their hearts broken by at least one man, if not many, before they met their husband. Men are seen as oppressors who are given better jobs, more freedom, and more sexual license. We have learned to be distant from men, wary of cultivating emotional intimacy with them. Unless we change our hearts, this distrust will carry over into our marriages. We must each learn to trust our husband, or our love for him will be stunted.
What does trust in action look like? In marriage, men and women model the relationship of Christ and the Church. St. Paul in Ephesians 5:22-33 spells out this relationship. As spouses, we lay our lives down for each other, but in different ways. Men take the role of Christ, and women take the role of the Church. The Church demonstrates her love and commitment to Christ in various ways. First, the Church asks Christ for what she needs. When I really trust someone, I am able to ask for what I really need, and then trust that the person loves me enough to give it. I don’t need to nag, or live in fear that the person won’t follow through. Second, the Church trusts Christ’s decisions. The Church would never willingly do something the Lord hates, nor would she willingly ignore His guidance. We, as wives, need to show our love for our husbands especially in this way. Third, the Church acts in confidence on the authority Christ shares with her. We do not hang on our husbands’ arms like limp rags and have them make every decision for us, nor do we try to do it all on our own. Instead, as a couple, we share authority. We pray together and then use the gifts of creativity, insight, and enthusiasm God gives us.
Sometimes, our husbands will fail us. Sometimes they will fail us on a level so deep that we will feel completely broken. Our husbands are human, and therefore capable of really messing up. Fortunately, we have backup. Our marriage vows are not just a promise made between two people; there is a third person involved—God. He’s the one who makes our vows permanent and gives us the grace to live them. Each time we get hurt, He’s there to pick us up, comfort us, heal us, and turn our hearts back to our husbands. We need to go to Him, and trust Him. He will give us the strength to love and trust our husbands. With His help, we really can live happily ever after.
St. John Chrystosom suggests that husbands should say to their wives: “I have taken you in my arms, and I love you, and I prefer you to my life itself... I place your love above all things, and nothing would be more bitter or painful to me than to be of a different mind than you.” —Catechism of the Catholic Church 2346
